And now here he is — a guy who believes that success is for people who don't have the guts to live a life of constant failure and humiliation . . . .

Hello, I'm (ED JOCK), and I'm delighted to be here. Sure, it was a long, hard battle getting where I am today . . . . But finally I made it by feinting to my left and then squeezing through the studio door when the boss was off balance.

Before we go any further, I'd like to remind you that if you'd like to have a complete written transcript of today's show, simply write down everything I say.

Hello and welcome to the (ED JOCK) Program. If you tuned in by accident, I'm sorry but it's too late to change stations. The Federal Communications Commission requires me to warn you that changing stations during the next four hours may result in severe tire damage to your radio.

And now here he is — the man whom radio critics across the country have unanimously described as “the guy who does (mornings) at (KKED) . . . .”

Hello, I'm (ED JOCK). You know, years ago when I first started out in radio, everyone told me I was wasting my time. They said I'd never be a success in the field I had chosen for my life's work. That just made me more determined. I worked 16 hours a day, seven days a week, always struggling to improve . . . . And after (12) years of hard work I don't feel I'm boasting when I sit here today and say to all those skeptics, “I think you're right.”

And now here he is — a man whose talent is exceeded only by everyone else's . . . .

The program you are about to hear, originally scheduled for this time period, will be heard as scheduled due to a lack of unforeseen circumstances. (KKED) regrets any inconvenience this might cause the more sensitive members of its audience.

And now here he is — a man whose name will be on the lips of broadcast historians for as long as broadcast historians know how to swear . . . .

For those of you who tuned in expecting a well-paced, professionally conceived and executed program of radio entertainment, we now pause for ten seconds while you lower your expectations.

The program you are about to hear has been rated “Brilliant, Exciting, and Inspirational” by the National Association of People Who Will Praise Any Radio Program If You Pay Them Enough.

And now here he is — Disc jockey, Official Junior Detective, and this year's winner of the Listerine Foundation's Most Improved Breath Award . . . .

The following program has been rated a perfect "10" by the National Association of People Who Rate Things On A Scale Of From One To Fifty Billion.

The following program was made possible by funds provided by the National Endowment for the Arts — but please don't tell them that, because they think we're using the money to produce an opera.